your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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