go do what you do best...puke behind churches
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
