Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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