Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
