I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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