Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
