I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
