Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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