i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
