You're earring is so big in my mouth
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
