just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
