So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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