Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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