i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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