see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
