Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
