I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Sorry about my life...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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