I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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