i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
