I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
