god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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