How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
