I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
