I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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