I wish they made helmets for livers.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
