What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I didn't notice because vodka
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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