I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
