seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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