my mouth tastes like poor choices
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
