Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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