Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
