Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
the liver wants what the liver wants
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
