literally had 100 drinks last night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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