Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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