TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
