I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
