Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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