No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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