DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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