I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Less talking, more tequila
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
