Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
