I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
