It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
