Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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