I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
