This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
