barbara walters just said penis...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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