I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
