I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
