there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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