So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
